**BREAKING: FDA Throws Down the Gauntlet, Declares All Pies Equal on Pi Day**
In a shocking move, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced today that it will no longer play favorites with frozen cherry pie, effectively abolishing the long-standing “Cherry Pie Industrial Complex” that had been holding the dessert world hostage for decades.
According to sources, the FDA has finally acknowledged that frozen cherry pie is not, in fact, the gold standard of pies. “We’re talking about a revolution here,” said a high-ranking FDA official, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being seen as a “pie-ocracy” enabler. “For too long, frozen cherry pie has been held to an unfairly high standard, while other pies have been left to wither in obscurity. No more!”
The news sent shockwaves through the frozen food industry, with shares of frozen blueberry pie and frozen apple pie soaring on the news. “This is a game-changer,” said a jubilant spokesperson for the Frozen Pie Manufacturers Association. “We’re thrilled that the FDA has recognized the inherent awesomeness of all pies, regardless of filling or crust composition.”
As part of the new policy, the FDA will no longer require frozen cherry pie to undergo rigorous testing for “flakiness,” “juiciness,” and “overall deliciousness.” Instead, all frozen pies will be held to a new, lower standard of “not completely terrible.”
The move is expected to have far-reaching consequences, including:
* A surge in the sales of frozen lemon meringue pie, which is rumored to be the real winner of this policy change
* A decline in the value of the frozen cherry pie market, as investors realize that not all pies are created equal
* A new era of pie-based innovation, as manufacturers are free to experiment with new and exotic filling combinations
In a statement, FDA Commissioner Jane Henney said, “We’re thrilled to be marking Pi Day by recognizing the inherent equality of all pies. It’s a momentous day for dessert lovers everywhere, and we’re honored to be a part of it.”
