**BREAKING: FOWL PLAY ON MOUNT SHASTA AS BIRD BRAIN CLIMBER RESCUE**
In a daring and hilarious rescue mission, the U.S. Forest Service saved a clueless climber from the unforgiving slopes of Mount Shasta – a goose named Gerald.
According to eyewitnesses, Gerald, a 3-year-old domesticated goose, waddled onto the mountain on Tuesday morning, sporting a miniature backpack, a “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt, and a determined look on his beak.
“I just wanted to see the view,” Gerald quacked to rescuers, flapping his wings wildly.
Forest Service rangers, who wish to remain anonymous, described the scene as “absolute chaos” as they responded to reports of a “fowl” in distress.
“We received a call from a group of hikers who said they saw a goose wandering around like it owned the place,” said Ranger Jane Smith. “When we arrived, we found Gerald trying to ‘summit’ the mountain, completely unaware of the perils of altitude sickness, inclement weather, and, you know, not being a human.”
Gerald, who apparently thought he was on a leisurely stroll, was equipped with a teensy-weensy first-aid kit, a nearly empty water bottle, and a granola bar that he proudly displayed on his beak.
“He was completely unprepared for the harsh mountain conditions,” said Ranger John Doe. “We had to MacGyver a makeshift goose-sized stretcher to get him down the mountain.”
The rescue operation involved a high-angle rope system, a helicopter, and a team of highly trained wildlife experts. Gerald, however, remained relatively unscathed, aside from a few scrapes on his beak and a severely bruised ego.
As the Forest Service transported Gerald to safety, he quipped, “I meant to do that! I’m, like, a super goose!”
The U.S. Forest Service has since issued a stern warning to all feathered and furry adventurers: “Please, for the love of all things winged and wonderful, bring snacks, water, and a map. And maybe a GPS device. And a first-aid kit. And… you get the idea.”
Gerald, who has been reunited with his overjoyed owner, has vowed to stick to birdseed and birdbaths from now on.
**UPDATE:** The U.S. Forest Service has announced plans to offer a “Wilderness Survival for Fowl” course, with Gerald as the poster bird.
