### Cannes Film Festival Introduces Groundbreaking ‘No Nudity’ Policy for Red Carpet
CANNES — In a move celebrated as revolutionary by fashion enthusiasts around the globe, the prestigious Cannes Film Festival has announced an eye-popping new rule for its illustrious red carpet: attendees are now explicitly prohibited from going nude. Yes, you read that correctly—the Cannes Film Festival, known for its opulent glamour and exquisite style, has now ushered in an era of prudence by upholding a ‘no nudity’ policy for its featured stars. What a refreshing twist!
In a world that seemingly teeters on the edge of chaos, where icons like Jaden Smith have previously donned outfits more fitting for a middle school art project than a film festival, Cannes has finally taken a stand. Because, of course, one surely can’t bill oneself as an international film festival without laying down the law about bare skin. Nothing screams cinematic prestige quite like having to enforce a dress code more suitable for a high school prom than a cultural showcase.
This groundbreaking policy comes on the heels of previous years where the boundary between avant-garde fashion and, well, ‘why on earth are they wearing that’ was often blurred to the point of obscurity. Attendees have pranced down the famed Cannes red carpet in everything from high-fashion ensembles to bewildering getups that should have remained in the closet—nowhere near the glitz and glamour of the French Riviera. Clearly, the Festival stakeholders finally realized they were dealing with an unmanageable fashion show gone rogue.
“We believe our attendees can express their artistic spirit without resorting to full-on nudity,” said a festival representative who spoke under the codename “Captain Obvious.” “Fashion is about creativity and innovation, and we want everyone to embrace their inner Picasso—clothes and all.”
The decision has been met with mixed reactions, particularly from celebrities who annually attend the festival to flaunt their ‘unique’ style choices. Many insiders claim that it will likely prompt a renaissance of creativity that is long overdue at Cannes. “Now we’ll see how creative actors can get with a full bodysuit,” said a vintage fashion expert who specializes in costumes from the least popular superhero movies.
Unfortunately, reports indicate that Hollywood’s finest are already working overtime to ensure they don’t stray too far into the realm of the mundane. “I’ll just have to flex my artistic muscles in other ways,” sighed an anonymous star who usually relies on provocative ensembles to stir conversation. “Maybe I’ll try bedazzling my gloves this year—after all, is there anything more avant-garde than a bit of rhinestone action?”
Believe it or not, this new rule may even turn out to be a blessing in disguise. For years, complaints have rolled in about poor viewership of red carpet events due to the distractions of so much flesh. Now, viewers can settle in with popcorn and watch a much-improved spectacle of sequins, ruffles, and high theological concepts without the risk of being blindsided by a nude celebrity.
So, as the film industry prepares for the grand occasion of Cannes 2023, perhaps this new ‘no nudity’ mandate will bring about an exciting wave of creativity rooted in traditional, clothing-based art. Audiences everywhere surely await with bated breath to see just how much fabric will adorn their favorite stars this year.
