BREAKING: Nation Horrified By Vice President Kamala Harris’s Shocking Decision to Choose Tim Walz as Running Mate, Apostrophe Connoisseurs Left Reeling
In a move that has left linguaphiles aghast and punctuation enthusiasts apoplectic, Vice President Kamala Harris has announced that she has chosen Minnesota Governor Tim Walz as her running mate. And the reason? Apparently, she wanted to stir up a hornet’s nest of controversy over the most pressing issue of our time: apostrophes.
Sources close to the Vice President claim that Harris was drawn to Walz’s Midwestern charm and his seeming disregard for the proper use of possessive nouns. “It was either him or that guy from Wisconsin with the contentious comma splice,” said a senior aide. “But in the end, Tim’s cavalier attitude towards apostrophes won her over.”
As news of the selection spread, apostrophe aficionados took to social media to express their outrage and dismay. “This is a dark day for America,” tweeted @ApostropheAnnie. “What’s next? A President who thinks ‘its’ and ‘it’s’ are interchangeable?”
Meanwhile, Walz’s campaign team was quick to defend their boss’s apostrophe usage, releasing a statement that read: “Governor Walz is a proud Minnesotan with a passion for proper punctuation. He’s a stickler for the rules – except when it comes to his own name, which he insists on spelling ‘Walz’ instead of ‘Walze’.”
But not everyone is buying it. “This is just a ploy to distract from the real issues,” said a rival campaign spokesperson. “Mark my words, this apostrophe-gate scandal will be the downfall of the Harris-Walz ticket.”
In related news, shares of the Oxford English Dictionary have skyrocketed, as investors bet on a surge in sales of the comprehensive guide to proper punctuation. When asked for comment, a spokesperson for the dictionary simply shook their head and muttered, “We told you so.”
