**BREAKING: IOWA MAN WINS BIG, BECOMES UNLIKELIEST OF SANTAS**
In a shocking turn of events, local Iowa resident, Bob Smith, has won a whopping $20,000 in the Mega Millions lottery just days before Christmas. And in a bizarre twist, he’s using the windfall to fund his most epic holiday shopping spree the world has ever seen.
According to sources close to the winner (okay, it was his mom), Smith purchased his winning ticket at a Dubuque convenience store, where he also bought a Slim Jim and a lottery-themed t-shirt that read “I’m a winner, baby!”
As soon as he checked his ticket, Smith let out a blood-curdling scream that shattered several nearby windows and sent his cat, Mr. Whiskers, fleeing for cover.
“I just knew I had won!” Smith exclaimed, doing a backflip off his couch and landing on his face. “I’m going to buy everyone I know a Christmas present, and then some! I’m talking diamond-encrusted toilet seats, golden toilet plungers, and a year’s supply of cheese!”
When asked about his plans for the $20,000, Smith revealed that he intends to:
* Buy his wife a solid gold toilet (because, why not?)
* Give his kids a Nintendo Switch, a pony, and a year’s supply of pizza
* Donate $5,000 to his favorite charity: “Bob’s Bizarre Bobsled Fund”
* Treat himself to a year’s worth of Taco Bell and Netflix
As news of the win spread, Smith’s neighbors began to gather outside his house, chanting “Bob! Bob! Bob!” and waving signs that read “Congratulations, Bob!” and “We’re all jealous of Bob!”
When asked for comment, the Iowa Lottery Commission released a statement saying, “We’re thrilled that someone won, but let’s be real, $20,000 isn’t that much money. I mean, have you seen the price of avocados lately?”
In related news, local businesses are reporting a surge in sales of extravagant gifts, including but not limited to:
* 17-foot-tall Christmas trees
* Diamond-studded socks
* Personalized “I’m a winner” t-shirts
Stay tuned for further updates on Bob’s Mega Millions windfall and his subsequent descent into madness and excessive gift-giving.