**BREAKING: ROGUE STEER WREAKS HAVOC ON BOSTON, FINALLY CAPTURED AFTER TWO MONTHS OF TERRORIZING SUBURBS**
In a stunning turn of events, the notorious “Steerzilla” that has been on the loose in the Boston area for a whopping eight weeks has finally been corralled and is now looking for a new place to call home. The steer, whose reign of terror has left a trail of destroyed gardens, overturned trash cans, and bewildered residents in its wake, was captured on Tuesday evening after a daring high-speed chase through the streets of suburban Quincy.
According to eyewitnesses, the steer, estimated to be around 1,000 pounds of pure, unadulterated bovine fury, was seen roaming the streets, leaving a path of destruction in its wake. “I was just trying to get to work, and suddenly this massive steer comes barreling down the sidewalk, horn-first,” said local resident, Jane Doe. “I mean, I’ve seen some weird things in Boston, but this was on a whole other level.”
The steer, whose name has been revealed to be “Bessie” (although it’s unclear if this is actually her real name or just a label assigned by her newfound admirers), was finally tracked down to a abandoned lot in Milton, where she was spotted munching on a discarded pizza crust.
“I was amazed by her agility,” said Mike Johnson, a member of the animal rescue team that captured Bessie. “She was like a bovine ninja – dodging fences, leaping over obstacles… it was like she had a PhD in Steer-Fu.”
Bessie is now being held at a local animal sanctuary, where she will receive the care and attention she so desperately needs. And, surprisingly, she’s already become a bit of a celebrity – with numerous animal lovers and thrill-seekers clamoring to adopt her.
“Bessie is a unique snowflake, even among other steers,” said Sarah Lee, director of the animal sanctuary. “We’re looking for someone with a sense of humor, a love of chaos, and a strong insurance policy. If that sounds like you, we encourage you to apply!”
In related news, the city of Boston has announced plans to establish a new “Steer Emergency Response Team” (SERT) to deal with any future rogue steer incidents. Because, as one official noted, “You can never be too prepared for a bovine apocalypse.”
