**BREAKING: Local Man’s Jaw-Dropping, Soul-Crushing, and Utterly Ridiculous Skateboard Odyssey Shatters Records and Sanity**
In a stunning display of endurance, sheer madness, and a healthy dose of masochism, 32-year-old Dave “The Skateboard King” Johnson of New York City has completed an epic 3,162-mile journey across the United States on his trusty skateboard, “Bertha.” The grueling trek, which lasted a mind-boggling 57 days, 6 hours, and 56 minutes, has earned Johnson a coveted spot in the Guinness World Records and a permanent place in the annals of human suffering.
Johnson, who reportedly had to be pried off his skateboard by a team of paramedics and psychologists, said in a post-record interview, “I’m not sure what’s more impressive – the fact that I made it across the country or that I still have all my fingers and toes intact. Oh, and I’m pretty sure I’ll never walk again.”
The journey, which began on February 27th and ended on April 15th, took Johnson through 22 states, numerous fast food restaurants, and an estimated 473,219 potholes. The self-proclaimed “Skateboard Sensei” encountered a multitude of challenges along the way, including treacherous terrain, inclement weather, and at least 17 cases of road rage.
“I had to deal with everything from blistering heat to freezing cold, and even a few close encounters with wild animals,” Johnson said, rubbing his battered and bruised body. “But nothing could have prepared me for the existential crisis I had on day 45, when I realized I’d eaten nothing but beef jerky and regret for weeks.”
Despite the grueling conditions, Johnson remained resolute, fueled by a fierce determination to set a new record and a steady diet of coffee, Red Bull, and despair. His trusty skateboard, Bertha, reportedly withstood the journey with only a few minor scratches and a severely dented ego.
The record-breaking feat has earned Johnson a slew of accolades, including a custom-made skateboard-shaped trophy, a year’s supply of ibuprofen, and a guaranteed spot in the next edition of the Guinness World Records.
When asked what inspired him to embark on this quixotic quest, Johnson replied, “I just really, really, REALLY wanted to prove to myself that I’m not completely insane… or at least, not yet.”
Johnson’s achievement has sparked widespread awe and admiration, with many calling him the “Skateboarding Steve Irwin” of the modern era. When asked what his next adventure will be, Johnson simply shook his head, rubbed his sore muscles, and muttered, “Never. Again.”
