**BREAKING: WORLD’S GREATEST NINJA WARRIOR SMASHES RECORD WITH CHOPSTICK-AIMED FEAT OF PRECISION**
In a jaw-dropping display of skill, strength, and sheer, unadulterated awesomeness, 32-year-old ninja master, Dave “The Chopstick Crusher” Chen, shattered the Guinness World Record for longest distance chopstick-target hit yesterday, sending shockwaves throughout the globe.
Chen, a seasoned ninja warrior from suburban New Jersey, stepped up to the challenge and blasted his way into the record books by successfully hitting a target from an astonishing 13 feet away using – you guessed it – chopsticks!
Eyewitnesses described the scene as “utter pandemonium” as Chen, dressed in a sleek black ninja suit, calmly approached the designated throwing area, chopsticks at the ready. The crowd held its collective breath as Chen took aim, focused his inner ninja, and… WHAM!
The chopsticks flew through the air like deadly, precision-guided missiles, striking the target with a resounding “thwack” that sent the audience into raptures. The target, a giant, inflatable ninja star, quivered and wobbled precariously before finally succumbing to the sheer force of Chen’s chopstick-fu.
“I’ve spent years honing my ninja skills in the art of chopstick-jutsu,” Chen declared, beaming with pride. “My sensei, Master Tanaka, taught me the ancient ways of the chopstick-wielding ninja. I just wanted to see how far I could push the limits of human accuracy and, well, I guess I just broke the internet!”
The previous record holder, a relatively unknown ninja enthusiast from rural Mongolia, was left reeling from Chen’s stunning achievement. “I thought I was the greatest,” said Tumen “The Tentative” Temujin, “but I guess I underestimated the power of Dave ‘The Chopstick Crusher’ Chen. I mean, who needs a ninja sword when you’ve got chopsticks, right?”
Chen’s incredible feat has earned him a spot in the Guinness World Records, a lifetime supply of chopsticks, and a cameo appearance in the next Ninja Warrior video game.
When asked what his next challenge would be, Chen grinned mischievously and said, “I’ve got my sights set on the world record for most hamburgers eaten while reciting the entire script of ‘Hamlet.’ Wish me luck, world!”
