**BREAKING: VIRGINIA ZOO IN CHAOS AS GORILLA ON THE LOOSE… OR IS IT?**
Tidewater, VA – In a bizarre turn of events, the Virginia Zoo was forced to issue a statement today denying widespread rumors that a rogue gorilla had escaped from its enclosure and was roaming free in the streets of Norfolk.
According to eyewitnesses (okay, one guy on Twitter), the alleged great ape was said to be “massive, hairy, and playing the trombone on the corner of Granby and Bruton.”
“I was just walking to work when I saw this… this… thing,” claimed local resident, Jane Doe. “It was huge and furry, and it had a trombone case slung over its shoulder. I mean, I’ve seen some weird stuff in my day, but this was something else.”
However, zoo officials were quick to dispel the rumors, insisting that they don’t actually have any gorillas in their collection.
“We’re not sure where this story came from, but we can confidently say that we do not have any gorillas at the Virginia Zoo,” said zoo spokesperson, Karen Johnson. “In fact, our zoo is home to a lovely collection of animals, including lemurs, otters, and a very charming sea lion named Larry.”
When pressed for further comment, Johnson added, “To be clear, we don’t have gorillas. We don’t have a single one. Not one. Zilch. Zero. So, if you’re seeing a giant, trombone-playing gorilla on the loose, it’s probably just your imagination… or a really vivid dream.”
Despite the zoo’s assurances, concerned citizens are still on high alert, with some residents reportedly stocking up on bananas and hiding their trombones.
In related news, the Virginia Zoo has announced plans to introduce a new “gorilla-themed” exhibit, featuring a life-sized cardboard cutout of a gorilla and a complimentary trombone lesson with every admission ticket.
