**BREAKING: ILLINOIS WOMAN’S LIFE TURNED UPSIDE DOWN BY FORGOTTEN LOTTERY TICKET… AND BY “FORGOTTEN”, WE MEAN SHE FOUND IT IN HER COUCH CUSHIONS 5 YEARS LATER**
In a stunning turn of events, a normally forgetful Illinois woman has won a whopping $1 million in the lottery… and only remembered to check her ticket because she was searching for her missing TV remote.
According to sources close to the winner (okay, we made that up), 32-year-old Sarah Johnson of Peoria, IL, had purchased a $5 scratch-off ticket on a whim back in 2018. She stuffed it into her purse, where it apparently got lost in a sea of crumpled up receipts, used tissues, and last week’s Chinese takeout menu.
Fast forward to last week, when Sarah was rummaging through her couch cushions in a desperate search for her TV remote (long story). As she was digging through the depths of her sofa, her fingers stumbled upon the long-lost lottery ticket.
“I was like, ‘Oh, hey! I forgot I even bought this thing!'” Sarah exclaimed in an interview. “And then I saw the numbers and my heart just stopped. I mean, it was like winning the Super Bowl… or finding out you still have a decent chance of getting a refund on that one pair of shoes you bought in college.”
As it turns out, Sarah’s ticket matched all six numbers, earning her a cool $1 million. When asked what she plans to do with her newfound fortune, Sarah replied, “Well, first things first: I’m buying a new couch. One with better cushions, preferably.”
In related news, local sales of lottery tickets have skyrocketed, as people are now desperately searching their couches, purses, and junk drawers for forgotten tickets. When asked for comment, a lottery spokesperson simply shrugged and said, “Hey, it’s worth a shot, right?”
