**England Mall Attempts to Break World Record for Most Ghosts Per Square Foot This Halloween**
In a stunning display of creativity and utter desperation, a shopping center in England has announced that it will attempt to set the world record for the most ghosts per square foot this Halloween. Yes, you heard that right—because nothing screams “spooktacular” quite like a mob of shoppers dressed up in white sheets floating ominously amid sales on last season’s fashion.
The Gloomington Mall, strategically located in the heart of a town that clearly has nothing better to do, will host this unprecedented event in hopes of fetching some attention as the Halloween buzz begins to dwindle. Mall manager Reginald Haunter (no, really) proudly proclaimed, “We’re committed to putting Gloomington on the map, one horrifyingly absurd attempt at greatness at a time! Who needs economic growth, when you can have fanged fests of fun?”
The plan? To gather hundreds—nay, thousands—of local residents draped in ghostly attire for a record-setting spectacle. But let’s be honest: with a town population of around 3,000, that’s a tall order for a costume meant to be thrown together last-minute amid panic-induced shortage of white bedsheets.
“Here’s hoping my mom still has that old duvet lying around!” chuckled local ghost enthusiast, Peter Phantom, who’s convinced his ghosting skills should earn him a participation award regardless of whether he actually makes it out for the event. “It’s not about winning; it’s about being socially acceptable during Halloween in a town that loves mediocrity!”
Participants—if they can be called that—are encouraged to come prepared, as they will be expected to float with the utmost enthusiasm across the food court, in a majestic display of retail prowess. Naturally, the food court will be serving a selection of thrillingly average “spooky snacks,” including pumpkin lattes, ghost-shaped pastries, and a newly concocted drink deemed “Creepy Caffeine”—whatever that means.
Meanwhile, retailers in the mall are cashing in on the spirit of the season, offering discounts that range from “moderate” to “please just buy something.” Store managers, known for their extraordinary enthusiasm, have taken a cue from the ghosting theme, displaying creepy mannequins dressed in suits that scream more “save me from indecision” than “chilling to the bone.”
In a bid for social media virality, the Gloomington Mall has also set up an Instagram filter that turns your selfies into overwhelming bursts of spooky filters and sparkles. Because what’s more thrilling than an over-edited photo of oneself dressed as a ghost that could double as an ad for next week’s Halloween clearance sales?
This unprecedented event, scheduled for October 31st, has already sparked concerns from local residents about overcrowding. “I mean, what’s scarier than being trapped in an elevator full of people dressed as ghosts?” quipped Mrs. Hallow, who had planned to spend her Halloween evening binging on horror movies at home instead of facing this column of cotton fabric come to life.
So, if you find yourself meandering through Gloomington on Halloween night, don’t miss your opportunity to witness history—or something that resembles it—as this mall dives headfirst into the realm of extraordinary absurdity. After all, nothing captures the spirit of Halloween quite like a town collectively deciding that pretending to be ghosts is the pinnacle of community involvement.
