Manhattan, NY – The world is full of mysteries; one of which is the secret to long life. While the answer may elude most of us mere mortals, the world’s oldest man has decided to impart some wisdom to the masses. He has revealed that luck and moderation are key, and of course, regular servings of fish and chips every Friday.
Living till the age of 112, the man – whose name we’re sure you’d love to know, but we’re not legally allowed to release – has had a lot of time to ponder over what exactly has kept him going for so long. He spoke to our reporters and gave a detailed account of his daily routine.
Each day, he starts off with a five-mile jog, followed by a breakfast of mutton stew and porridge. He spends most of his morning solving a crossword puzzle and sipping on some green tea. It’s a wonder why we didn’t think of this sooner!
After a light lunch, which is usually a salad of microgreens, the oldest man in the world fulfills his passion for running a charity. He can be found every afternoon feeding birds in Central Park and donating to orphanages. Looks like his secret to long life is also his secret to being a great human being – if you do good, good things will happen to you.
The oldest man in the world also mentioned the importance of a healthy sex life. Enough said.
But let’s shift our focus to his secret to longevity: fish and chips every Friday. This amber-colored batter on a succulent fillet of fish and salty chips served with a side of mushy peas every week has worked its magic. If you’re not a fan of seafood, fear not – the man claims that any food can be enjoyed in moderation. Unless you’re talking about olives. Apparently, olives are the root cause of all of humanity’s problems; we finally have an answer to the meaning of life!
Fish every Friday can only do so much. In his youth, the man dabbled in a lot of activities – skiing, hiking, and even bungee jumping, which is a special kind of crazy. But he realized early on that moderation was key. This could seem daunting to some of us – what do you mean we can’t eat that whole pizza or watch another episode of Netflix? But, the man assures us moderation can be fun. We’re not sure what he means, but that’s something to think about.
As he sips on his glass of wine (it’s a Friday, he’s earned it), the world’s oldest man leaves us with some final words of wisdom.
“Enjoy life, be kind to people, and always keep a bottle of multivitamins near you – it’s essential.”
Well, there you have it, folks. The secret to long life is moderation, luck, charity, and regular doses of fish and chips. So, go ahead, make that Friday night order and live life like the world’s oldest man – just without the bungee jumping.
