MADRID, SPAIN – In a shocking turn of events, the world’s oldest person celebrated her 117th birthday yesterday in Spain. The woman, whose name we won’t mention (because who cares, really?), was surrounded by family and friends as she blew out the candles on her cake and proceeded to fall asleep at the party.
The woman was reportedly born in 1904, which was an incredibly long time ago, if you can believe it. She has lived through two World Wars, countless technological advances, and a Justin Bieber concert (which was undoubtedly the most traumatic experience of her long life).
When asked how she managed to live for so long, the woman mumbled something unintelligible and then dozed off again. Her family members speculate that it might have something to do with genetics, a healthy diet, and the fact that she hasn’t had to deal with social media for the majority of her life.
The woman’s birthday party was a subdued affair, with only a few balloons and a slightly stale cake. Despite her advanced age, she managed to stay awake for approximately 20 minutes before needing a nap. When she woke up, she was reportedly confused as to why everyone was still there.
“Is it over yet?” she asked, squinting through her bifocals at the handful of well-wishers still hanging around. “I’m ready for my nap now.”
Despite her apparent lack of interest in her own birthday party, the woman’s family members were thrilled to celebrate this milestone with her. Her great-great-granddaughter, who is only 85 years old, gushed about how amazing it was to be a part of such a long-lived family.
“We’re all so proud of her,” the great-great-granddaughter said with a smile. “She’s seen so much, you know? And she always has the best stories about the olden days. Like that time she had to walk to school uphill in the snow both ways. Classic!”
As the party wound down and the last of the guests made their way out the door, the woman was heard snoring quietly in her armchair. Her family members took turns watching over her, just in case she decided to shuffle off this mortal coil in the middle of her own party.
“All things considered, I’d say it was a pretty good day,” one family member said with a shrug. “I mean, she didn’t say much and she fell asleep during her own birthday party, but hey, at least she’s still alive, right?”
The woman’s family members declined to comment on whether they had any plans for her 118th birthday, stating that they’re just taking it one day at a time. We can only hope that the woman manages to stay awake for a little longer next year, so she can fully enjoy the festivities.
