Petersburg and you can bet your bottom dollar that it will be the redneck Olympics that you have always dreamed of watching on TV.
The highly anticipated Florida Man Games have arrived, folks! This is the moment that rednecks, hillbillies, and trailer park enthusiasts across the Sunshine State have been waiting for. Don’t let the name fool you, this isn’t the type of event where well-bred Florida men and women compete in civilized sports like golf or tennis. No, no, no…this is an event that makes NASCAR races look classy.
The games, which debut this Saturday in St. Petersburg, will feature a variety of competitions that showcase the finest of Florida Man culture. The events range from the traditional, like the infamous “evading police” obstacle course, to the more unique, like a game of “beer pong” that involves actual wrestling.
In the spirit of the Olympics, there will be medals awarded to the winners of each event. Participants can earn gold, silver, and bronze medals, as well as a coveted “Mullet Award” for the competitor with the best hairdo.
But let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. What events can spectators expect to see at the Florida Man Games? Well, hold onto your alligator-skin hats, because the list is pretty wild.
First up, the “Bar Brawl.” This event will consist of two teams of two people each, squaring off against each other in a makeshift bar scene. The objective? To drink as much beer as possible and then fight each other. Whoever comes out on top, or at least the one who doesn’t end up in the hospital, takes home the gold.
Next, the “Roadside Attraction.” This one will be a fun one to watch. Competitors will have to evade the police while driving a stolen vehicle. Points will be awarded for each minute they can maintain their distance, as well as for style. The more police cruisers that are chasing them, the more impressive the feat.
Of course, no redneck Olympics would be complete without a good old-fashioned “Trailer Park Shuffleboard.” In this event, participants will take turns sliding severed alligator heads down a ramp, aiming for a designated target. Points will be awarded for accuracy, distance, and ‘gator mutilation.
And finally, the “Florida Man Triathlon.” This event will combine three classic Florida Man activities: drinking, smoking, and lawn chair reclining. Participants will have to finish an entire six-pack of beer, smoke a pack of cigarettes, and then recline in a lawn chair for as long as possible. The one who can do it all without vomiting or passing out wins.
Tickets to the event are going for a cool $50, which includes a complimentary “Florida Man” t-shirt and a lifetime of bragging rights. So grab your twangiest accent and head on down to St. Pete this weekend for the event that is sure to make even the most dignified of Floridians cringe.
In conclusion, if you’re a fan of “The Jerry Springer Show” or “Cops,” then the Florida Man Games are the event for you. It’s a place where mullets and beer guts are celebrated, and where the apocalypse seems not so far-fetched. May the best Florida Man (or Woman) win!
