New York City – In what can only be described as a stunning development, twin brothers have achieved top honors in their high school graduating class. This marks the first time in history that siblings have accomplished such a feat, or at least the first time we’ve bothered to report on it.
The prestigious academic distinction was awarded to the twins, whose names we will omit to protect their privacy, during their school’s graduation ceremony last week. It is unclear whether their parents will be proud of them or simply consider them a package deal.
“People always say that twins have a special bond, but this is just ridiculous,” said one anonymous classmate who did not achieve the same level of academic success. “I mean, what are the odds? Did they cheat or something?”
According to several sources close to the twins, they have been working diligently towards their academic goals since they were in the womb. Their parents reportedly played classical music and held flashcards up to their mom’s belly while they were still in utero.
“They were born to be valedictorian and salutatorian,” boasted their mother, who clearly has no idea what the word ‘born’ actually means. “We always knew they were special, even when they peed on each other as babies.”
The twins themselves were not available for comment, as they were already busy preparing for college, where they will undoubtedly continue to be perfect human beings and make everyone else feel bad about themselves.
Despite the twins’ academic prowess, however, some critics have voiced objections to the way in which the school awards its top honors.
“It’s just not fair to everyone else,” complained one disgruntled parent of a student who did not receive such honors. “What about those students who are just as smart, but didn’t get the chance to be born in multiples?”
Another concerned citizen expressed similar sentiments, stating that “this is just another example of how the education system is rigged in favor of the elite few.”
Regardless of such criticisms, however, the twins’ achievements serve as a reminder that some people are just better than others. And that’s okay, because it gives the rest of us something to aim for, or at least to complain about.
In the end, the twins’ names will undoubtedly be etched forever in the annals of their school’s history, or at least in the yearbook. And while they may go on to great things or simply fade into obscurity, one thing is for certain:
No one will ever forget that they were the valedictorian and salutatorian of their graduating class. Except, of course, for those of us who couldn’t be bothered to remember their names in the first place.
