Bearly a problem: Florida woman complains of bear visits “every two days”
In breaking bear news, a woman in Florida has announced that her family’s home is being plagued by ever-increasing bear visits. The big, furry creatures are apparently dropping by about once every two days, prompting fears that the bears are becoming just a little too friendly with civilization.
According to the woman, their first bear visit was a thrilling experience, like a scene straight out of a nature documentary. But as the sightings increased in frequency, the novelty soon wore off. “It’s getting pretty ridiculous at this point,” she told our reporters. “Sometimes I think they’re just showing off for their bear friends. It’s like, we get it, you’re bears. You don’t have to keep coming over to impress us.”
The situation has gotten so bad that the woman is now taking extra precautions to keep the bears at bay. She’s invested in a bear spray, and even hung up signs around her property warning them to stay away. “I’m not taking any chances,” she said. “I mean, what if they’re plotting something? They’re smart animals, you know.”
While her husband and children are somewhat more blasé about the whole thing, the woman is convinced that there’s a deeper, more sinister motive at play. “I see the way they look at us,” she said, her voice lowering to a whisper. “I think they’re trying to take over our neighborhood.”
Of course, some would argue that the bears have every right to be there. After all, they were living there first. But the woman is having none of it. “Oh, please. This is our land now,” she said, sticking her flag in the ground. “We came, we saw, we built our McMansion on top of it.”
If this trend continues, it seems that the bears may need to find somewhere else to live. But where will they go? Who will take them in? And most importantly, what will they do with all their free time? Will they join a bear book club? Take up painting? The possibilities are endless.
As we go to press, it seems that the woman’s bear saga continues. Stay tuned to see if, in fact, the bears do take over the neighborhood, or if the humans will finally be able to win back their territory. It’s a fierce battle, folks, and only time will tell who will emerge victorious. In the meantime, remember: bears are not pets. Don’t invite them in for tea. Seriously, don’t.
